So I figured it was time to push the boat out in the world of online dating. I have always found the concept of 'dating' an alarming prospect as it has never been the instigator of relationships for me. Lucky I guess but its a whole new world and after a seven-year stint (which seems to be my average) sans significant other; I figured it was time to give it a crack.
Having enjoyed the tales my friends regaled me with in their online dating adventures, I signed up for one of the popular sites; anticipating similar bs along the way. As I clearly believe from my last post, someone always comes into your life to teach you something, this time (and dare I say it, the last three pseudo dating scenarios I've endured) have proved just that.
My issue too is that I'm too empathetic and tend to draw out any 'baggage' any would be suitor is carting about a little too early in the exercise. This time around though, my suitor seemed to have me pegged which is quite a feat. I must admit I think I was more drawn in by the prospect that they 'got me' than any actual desire for the person, which in my opinion underpins any union. If you don't want to pillage their person then what's the point?
Having a partner is like holding a mirror up to yourself (I've read). It's a good way to look at what you're not doing to mold your own being. In this particular case, I knew there was some stuff that wasn't being dealt with at my end. The fellow in this story said that I was afraid of love although it was clearly something I desired yet repelled and felt I didn't deserve. How right he was.
I broke into epiphany as I do during (but mostly after!) these liaisons and realised that is true however, I do tend to go quite the wrong way about it and know that in all senses my boundaries with men suck! It was this idea of 'love' and companionship I was chasing once again. This time however I took the idea of the 'lesson' on board and did the right thing. Quit the union and took a hard look into the dark recesses of my heart and shone a light on the aches hiding there. I also tuned into some great material on the subject of boundaries by one of my favourite ladies, Terri Cole.
So the upshot is, I turned a corner on what a relationship should mean to me. It's an additive not a fixative to that red pumpy thing under my left boob. Lesson learned and this time round I'm not emotionally bruised by it.
Got a heartache you'd like to share? I'm all ears.
Everybody should feel safe here sharing their thoughts and feelings on these posts and I encourage everyone to BE THEMSELVES!
NB. If you're an a!%hole you can 'hop off' though!
The authors' ideas and perspective are solely hers except where duly credited to third parties.
This site does not provide prescriptive or medical advice. Readers should seek professional help with depression or anxiety symptoms.