Do you feel that when all seems right with the world you're stuck with the worry (the old ego gremlin) that disaster of some sort is lurking to throw you off a cliff?
For some, that's a daily fix of anxiety waiting in the wings to spray her foul scent of fear upon us. I have been lucky that the anxiety part of this illness has only manifested as a pre-cursor to a major episode and an attack is generally so surprising that the low frequency means I've had little practice at kicking strategies into gear to cope in that moment.
It's hard to remember to breathe when your innards tell you you're in the path of a giant beast albeit primitively imaginatively, right? Anyone who can count to ten whilst paralyzed in a supermarket aisle, with the added sense of trying not to look like a crazed individual; is in my mind Olympian.
I had such an episode this past Monday. All had been quite rosy of late and I was definitely not expecting the axe to fall. Sadly, after an emotional bout with the bank (who hasn't been there?), I collapsed onto the sofa amidst my fiscal failings and began to feel the onset of panic. I should have known it was all going too good, I berated myself! Then, the calm and practiced person (there is one within, he/she is like a secret muscle one needs strengthening) said 'you will not go there'. Simple as that, I just said no to those cramping thoughts. I called on a great friend who promptly rushed to my side and we laughed the night away. Woe be gone!
Since we can't always phone a friend when cowering in fear in the supermarket or even out on the street, I vote that, just like parking ticket dispensers; we need to install a panic button that either sprays your face in a steam of St John's Wort or alerts those in the vicinity to come to the rescue with a hug and a kind word.
Furthermore, I say park that button right up on the wall next to the obligatory defibrillator we now see everywhere. Am I right?! That said, I'm sure a defib probably feels like the better option when locked into an anxiety trap. What's the worst place you ever had an anxiety attack?
Thanks for stopping by.
I consider myself a pretty smart capable human being (when I'm not pre-mental of course). That said, like many of us I struggle with worthiness which strangely I do not equate with self-esteem (that part is ok depending on whether I'm down the hole or not).
For reasons I'm still working on, I haven't quite mastered the "I'm Worth It" demon which shows up at my place of work frequently. I'm currently earning a buck as a temp (as many will relate full-time work isn't always the best panacea for us afflicted sorts) so I am tripping between offices around the city. I always strive to improve my environment whether it is implementing processes or empowering co-workers to speak up for themselves if not being treated correctly (my biggest workplace bug bear I might add) and feel good about themselves.
I recently did a six week stint in a front line role at a large financial entity keeping an eye on the mechanics of comings and goings, facility issues and helping improve things I thought needed attention. Was this appreciated? No! My worthiness has always been largely tied up in my work and now that I've come to terms with my career prospects descending (due to illness and age) rather than taking flight; its these moments of making a difference (in my eyes at least) that compounds those feelings greatly.
So what to do? Write it down here! Log it like a time sheet of good deeds in the Universe! Put up an imaginary balloon and streamers celebrating the fact that I went out there and did my best. I have acknowledged to myself whether or not I get a spoonful of praise, I'm a worthy human being. Somewhere along the way, I've helped somebody and/or changed something for the better and that's worthwhile. How do you kick that worthiness b#tch to the kerb?
Thank you for stopping by.
I returned home (after 25 years of carousing the globe) to stay with my parents after my third (and one hopes final) breakdown. I was way down deep in my burrow of blackness. Imagine: a 40 plus-year-old woman who had left home at 17 to make her way in the world, travelled/lived in other countries, ran her own and other people's businesses and lived amongst the glitterati of the entertainment business; now moving home to her parents. That perceived high life disappeared in an instant.
After a string of unfortunate employment choices I had ended up being stranded in Vegas and was on the precipice of ending it all (what better stage for a highly dramatic finale, thank you Libra Ascendant*). A month later, I'm back in a small town in New Zealand licking my wounds and willing myself to peek above the sheets of despair and imagined failure.
So where does the gratitude cup come into the picture? I had to be grateful I was still in existence and that due to the immense love and care of an array of wonderful folk; still breathing (albeit shallowly). Gratitude was my first order of business. Despite the unkind things a few people had done, I was fortunate I had a much greater cheering section for me that, if needed; would have gaffer taped me to the earth far from that precipice. So, my 'rehabilitation' began with gratitude.
In my book (in which I began to document this journey), I made a note that each day I would top up my mental gratitude cup with one thing. My cup like the tides, ebbs and flows but it's been a marvellous exercise in tricking myself out of the darkness of my burrow. What fills your cup?
Thanks for stopping by,
* A Libra Ascendant is a dramatic person who loves to be the center of attention www.exemplore.com
Everybody should feel safe here sharing their thoughts and feelings on these posts and I encourage everyone to BE THEMSELVES!
NB. If you're an a!%hole you can 'hop off' though!
The authors' ideas and perspective are solely hers except where duly credited to third parties.
This site does not provide prescriptive or medical advice. Readers should seek professional help with depression or anxiety symptoms.